It’s no secret that villains have long suffered under deplorable health conditions. However, with the recent passing of the late Lord Sauron, it seems his former followers are facing a new field of fighting. Baddies of all sizes are now speaking out against the long lack of dental healthcare and the toll it’s taking on their social lives.
“Our dental hygiene didn’t matter with Lord Sauron,” reports an anonymous Orc. “It was all, do this and kill that, with ’em. There wasn’t much in the way of healthcare other than, don’t let that Prince of a wood Elf’s arrows find ya. I thought things would change with Aragorn in charge, but now that bein’ good is in and bein’ bad is out, we’re ridiculed left and right for our bad breath and gum disease. And they wonder why we hide in the mountains and only come out at night…”
“I’ve had to undergo years of therapy after the hurtful words that were said during my chat with Aragon at The Black Gate. ‘Mouth of Sauron’ he called me. Didn’t even have the decency to call me by my real name,” said Bob, formerly known as the Mouth of Sauron.
And their reports of ridicule didn’t stop there. Middle-earth’s meanest have even been denied true love, reveals Grima Wormtongue. “I know I’ve always had good looks, so I was quite taken back when Eowyn shied away from me. That is, until I caught site of my teeth in one of Orthanc’s mirrors. Had I had received proper dental attention, I think things would have turned out differently.”
And what of that Orc who got a bad rap in Fangorn? Grishnákh wants to set the record straight once and for all, “I wasn’t really going to eat Merry and Pippin, I just wanted to ask them if I had something stuck in my teeth, is all!”